Acting While Completely Unable to Choose
- 2 days ago
- 2 min read
A morning of indecision turns into a reflection on burnout, pressure, and the need to stop constantly pushing. Between Paco’s demands and a mind stuck in neutral, there’s a realization that being still doesn’t mean life has stopped—it may simply mean it’s time to breathe.
Acting in Neutral Gear
I wake up as it's starting to get light. As I lie in bed, I ponder the possibilities: Walk? Make breakfast? Read from my spiritual journal? Meditate? Do my nitric oxide exercises? Nothing clicks. Then it hits me: my decision making switch is turned off. I don't want to do anything. I feel frozen. So I do the obvious, I stay in bed. Paco comes wandering in, meowing-yelling at me to get breakfast. Even that fails to soften me so he climbs up on the bed and sits between my knees, forcing me to adjust my body diagonally. After a little while of this, I get up and put in my contacts. I need to at least see what it is I'm not choosing.
Every six months or so I go through a decision making crisis like this. It only lasts around half a day but I wonder what it means. Fear? Lethargy? Boredom? It occurs to me that it may not be any of the reasons I want to chastise myself for. Maybe, just maybe, my body is asking for a break from constantly acting productive. From pushing myself to pilates class and getting my 10,000 steps in before dusk to swimming 50 laps in the early morning. Perhaps my mind needs a break from thinking about recording auditions, scheduling voiceover sessions, getting my taxes done.
Being still doesn't mean I'm on empty. Ideas and feelings are still breathing inside me. But I can choose differently, I can think new thoughts, I can stop judging myself. It's possible to slow down and relax. The switch will eventually turn back on and I'll feel when the moment is right for me to jump back into my life. Breathe in, breathe out.
"To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders."
--Lao Tzu:
