A Voice Actor's Letter to her Phone
Breaking up with an old iPhone is harder than it should be. As an on-camera and voice actor, I reluctantly trade my beloved old phone for a heavier, fuglier upgrade and discover better sound, endless photos, Mah-Jongg—and a relationship I’m not quite ready to call love.
I Didn't Want You
I didn't want you in the beginning. I loved my old iPhone version, the 4—the kinder, gentler one. But you stopped protecting me. And the face had scratches almost immediately.
“Buy a new one,” I was told all the time.
“No,” I stubbornly replied.
I felt attached to this piece of hardware. But when it refused to update, I had to move on.
The first one I got in the lovely 5G family had three lenses. Three ways to observe me. And it was so heavy. Who needs a fisheye lens? I traded it in and got some money back.
The protective covers at the Apple Store are fugly, but I didn't want to walk out without one, so I picked a soft purple, cursing them for not having my favorite red that I'd gotten the last two times.
A Voice Actor Meets Her New Equipment
You''re clunky and not easy to take pictures with. And your battery is lame.
I was told at the store by this kind, young salesperson that if I turned off certain things, the battery would last 33 hours.
In my dreams.
With my previous beloved I had to constantly recharge it, scared I wouldn't have enough juice to get home.
At least this one lasts all day and doesn't turn off at 6 percent, so that's something. And I can take all the photos I want without worrying about space.
30,000 and counting!
When I hear a good song, I Shazam it and take a picture. One day I'll make a folder in my phone for all those great songs.
One day.
Okay, You Do Have Your Uses
All right, your camera is better quality and so is the sound. As an on-camera and voice actor, I noticed the difference right away when I was doing self-tapes and recording my voice in the car. In a pinch, the mic is pretty good.
And I play Mah-Jongg with you.
I was always a solitaire gal, and when I first got my fugly, there were all these games. You kept urging me to download more.
Oh, I see what you're doing. You get to track what I like.
Nope.
Got rid of all of them.
Except for Mah-Jongg.
No ads, and it's strangely soothing.
I have three pages of apps, and I probably use no more than five or six on a daily basis. But they come in handy when I travel or go to the grocery store and use my Yuka app to see how the rye crisps rate. Yep, they're good.
Hmm.
Maybe you aren't so bad, fugly, even if you're already scratched up like my previous beloved.
I wouldn't say I love you. Not yet.
But I suppose love isn't always about finding something better. Sometimes it's about complaining until you realize what you have is pretty good. I mean we have gotten used to each other.
So you can stay.
Just don't record me while I'm talking on the phone and sitting on the toilet.
There are limits to intimacy.